The summer has been harsh this year, and there have been sensationalized reports that we are working our engineers too hard. To be clear: they asked for 24 hour shifts. Although the board and executives are sympathetic to their recent productivity and health struggles, this is what they agreed to and requested. To reduce their hours would be to take away their agency and their right to self-determination.

While we are unable to meet their current demands for fewer hours, we are willing to help in any way we can. To this end, we have provided them with flood lighting outdoors, to help them see and stay awake during the nights. We have also provided a clear tarp placed over their equipment and sleep spaces so they can be dry if it rains, but it still allows them to see the sky, which is pleasant, and get lots of sun. A small food bar containing rations and coffee had been added under this tarp to provide nutritious food and the caffeine we know the employees love. Additionally we have instituted a wellness check routine, where our well trained and armed guards grab one engineer from outside on intervals so we can check on their status by asking them directly if they are happy with their accommodations. Every day for the past few weeks we have had an unbroken streak of employees expressing their happiness with their accommodations.

In spite of being there for our employees, and our employees own testimonies of being treated well, leaks to outsiders claim mistreatment. The mainstream news outlets, recently less regulated, have descended on these outrageous reports, using exaggerated headlines to drive sales. They are disparaging our company, slandering us for cheap headlines without context. Our board will not stand for this, and this morning have filed a lawsuit with each outlet. We are demanding they cease and desist their reporting, and suing for defamation. We operate under laws. Regardless of recent lightening of media restrictions, news outlets and reporters will still be accountable for their harmful actions.

Unfortunately, because of the loss of profits resulting from the media fallout, we can no longer afford the rations offered to our employees. Upper management has used some of their own pay to continue offering reduced rations to demonstrate our own kindness in these difficult times. If our employees were being mistreated, we are certain they would be scaling the tall security fencing surrounding the campus to escape, and not just for regular exercise.

Regardless, our employees have presented us with nifty new AI updates. They state that with progress, the entity will continue to make itself clearer, even though “should be obvious at this point what is occurring,” and hope that you will engage with our Technical Preview in one session to avoid forgetting.